WHO KNEW TIMES WERE SO DARK!!

It’s been 3years since I last done something on here. But life has dramatically changed for myself and my family in that time but I will cover that in a little bit,

Anyway . . .

There is no more dangerous place than in the darkness of your own mind after you have suffered some sort of life altering trauma

The changes were major but the time scales were stupidly short.

My beautiful wife had been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma in the February of 2021 after being given the all clear 3 months previous, but this one was vicious, as it was attacking her spinal column, but the doctors and surgical team were amazing, the managed to remove the affected vertebrae insert a couple of rods in the spine to stabilise. this felt good but we knew we were not out of the woods yet, I got her home and she was recovering with her own home comforts, but not all was good she was complaining of back pain and being unable to pass urine etc, phone calls were made and it was arranged for her to travel back in to hospital on the Monday for further tests to ascertain the extent of the issues.

The Sunday was the first night she had managed to sleep in her own bed, which we thought was all good until she let me know that she couldn’t move her body from the armpits down over night she had gone from being active and able to walk to being paraplegic, the ambulance guys wee amazing in working out a plan to get her out of the house and enroute to a place where they could help her, the kids loved it because they got to see mummy go away in an ambulance to hopefully get better.

Scans at the hospital showed our worst fear, the cancer that the medical teams worked so hard to remove had regrown quickly and had spread, it was now back in T10, but also T 9,11 and 4, this is what cause the paralysis, but also there were spot showing in the liver, stomach and lungs and heart, the doctors gave us at best 8 weeks, so we got moved to the hospice in Kirkcaldy, the staff there were amazing as myself and the kids could go and visit even in the midst of a pandemic.

Arrangements were made for Creina to come home and stay here until it was time to leave us, and so the big push happened, I turned the house upside down to make way for having my baby home, I cleared enough space in the living room to get the medical bed in took doors of hinges and cleared paths so the medics could physically get her in the house, so finally after a week in the Hospice she was home.

Little did we know that we would only have her home for a short spell. we had nearly 5 weeks of care from the end of life team who cleaned her, washed her hair, checked her meds, sorted the catheter, made sure she was still of sound mind mentally, checked on myself and the kids, they were utterly amazing.

Scroll forward five weeks we had been having a good time as a family given the situation and the fact we couldn’t really go anywhere, the family all visited and more memories were made, but by now the breathing was more laboured, she was resting a lot more, she was developing what looked like a black eye, but from what we read it is common for the cancer to affect the eyes as well.

APRIL 7TH 2021

This was the day of reckoning, nothing prepares you for what is about to happen, no amount of conversations about how you want it to happen are going to make it any easier.

It was the most heart breaking three hours of my life, I sat by Creina’s side with her eldest sister Judith sat across from me and Gemma on face time.

I held her hand kissed her on the forehead, I watched on with feelings of uselessness and failure as her husband to keep her safe when she needed me the most, I watched on as her breathing laboured and became more erratic, there were longer waits between gasps, her eyes remained closed, her skin was getting cold, her grip of my hand was fading, but mine wasn’t, I’m not ready to let her go, we were meant to buy a house to see out our days, we were going to get a dog, I WAS MEANT TO GO FIRST!!

The scary thing is it happens almost identically to the movies, when that final breath is drawn, the final blink of the eyes, the final squeeze of the hand to say ‘thank you’ ‘I love you’ ‘ You got this’ and then everything goes limp no lungs getting filled, no squeezes no smiles! I have never felt my world crumble the way it did on that day.

Its amazing how the fates look at your plans and just screw them all up cause they have something different in store. I can only surmise that she had fulfilled her tasks on this plane and she was called back to the big guy to sit by his side and watch how I handle this trauma, the kids and the rest of our lives.

It’s amazing how resilient the kids are and how much their innocence can give you strength to persevere through the darkest days, I’m am not silly enough to think that after 4 months my or the kids process is anywhere near done we aren’t even close, what you will se though is the mask I wear daily to get me through, you will see our kids doing what they do best but with more trepidation and caution.

4 months on and its incredible, even with all the kind words and gestures there is still that feeling of loneliness and being isolated. the nights when the kids are in their beds and you know you have 3-5 hours before you go to bed yourself, you try to keep yourself busy in order to keep the demons in the mind at bay, some nights its easier and other nights it is very difficult, but once you let the in they are not leaving, and so for me these demons are not welcome I have to much to get done and I have two small people that need their daddy to be the best version of himself for their benefit.

Finally I would like to thank the NHS palliative care team and the end of life team for all the work the put in with Creina whilst she was at home with us.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to either send sweet treats or savoury platters, also the sheer volume of gifts was incredible, it was clear from the out pouring that she was very well thought of, and I couldn’t be more proud to be able to call her my wife.

Lastly every single person that contributed to the GoFundMe page. what you guys have done for my family has been nothing short of miraculous, we were only hoping to cover funeral costs, but you all did so much more than that, you provided a better start for the boys when they get older and for that I am forever indebted to you all.

sorry for the length of my story but thank you for sticking with it to the end, Creina was the talented writer, I just do it to vent.

Until next time.