Reignman9

WHO KNEW TIMES WERE SO DARK!!

It’s been 3years since I last done something on here. But life has dramatically changed for myself and my family in that time but I will cover that in a little bit,

Anyway . . .

There is no more dangerous place than in the darkness of your own mind after you have suffered some sort of life altering trauma

The changes were major but the time scales were stupidly short.

My beautiful wife had been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma in the February of 2021 after being given the all clear 3 months previous, but this one was vicious, as it was attacking her spinal column, but the doctors and surgical team were amazing, the managed to remove the affected vertebrae insert a couple of rods in the spine to stabilise. this felt good but we knew we were not out of the woods yet, I got her home and she was recovering with her own home comforts, but not all was good she was complaining of back pain and being unable to pass urine etc, phone calls were made and it was arranged for her to travel back in to hospital on the Monday for further tests to ascertain the extent of the issues.

The Sunday was the first night she had managed to sleep in her own bed, which we thought was all good until she let me know that she couldn’t move her body from the armpits down over night she had gone from being active and able to walk to being paraplegic, the ambulance guys wee amazing in working out a plan to get her out of the house and enroute to a place where they could help her, the kids loved it because they got to see mummy go away in an ambulance to hopefully get better.

Scans at the hospital showed our worst fear, the cancer that the medical teams worked so hard to remove had regrown quickly and had spread, it was now back in T10, but also T 9,11 and 4, this is what cause the paralysis, but also there were spot showing in the liver, stomach and lungs and heart, the doctors gave us at best 8 weeks, so we got moved to the hospice in Kirkcaldy, the staff there were amazing as myself and the kids could go and visit even in the midst of a pandemic.

Arrangements were made for Creina to come home and stay here until it was time to leave us, and so the big push happened, I turned the house upside down to make way for having my baby home, I cleared enough space in the living room to get the medical bed in took doors of hinges and cleared paths so the medics could physically get her in the house, so finally after a week in the Hospice she was home.

Little did we know that we would only have her home for a short spell. we had nearly 5 weeks of care from the end of life team who cleaned her, washed her hair, checked her meds, sorted the catheter, made sure she was still of sound mind mentally, checked on myself and the kids, they were utterly amazing.

Scroll forward five weeks we had been having a good time as a family given the situation and the fact we couldn’t really go anywhere, the family all visited and more memories were made, but by now the breathing was more laboured, she was resting a lot more, she was developing what looked like a black eye, but from what we read it is common for the cancer to affect the eyes as well.

APRIL 7TH 2021

This was the day of reckoning, nothing prepares you for what is about to happen, no amount of conversations about how you want it to happen are going to make it any easier.

It was the most heart breaking three hours of my life, I sat by Creina’s side with her eldest sister Judith sat across from me and Gemma on face time.

I held her hand kissed her on the forehead, I watched on with feelings of uselessness and failure as her husband to keep her safe when she needed me the most, I watched on as her breathing laboured and became more erratic, there were longer waits between gasps, her eyes remained closed, her skin was getting cold, her grip of my hand was fading, but mine wasn’t, I’m not ready to let her go, we were meant to buy a house to see out our days, we were going to get a dog, I WAS MEANT TO GO FIRST!!

The scary thing is it happens almost identically to the movies, when that final breath is drawn, the final blink of the eyes, the final squeeze of the hand to say ‘thank you’ ‘I love you’ ‘ You got this’ and then everything goes limp no lungs getting filled, no squeezes no smiles! I have never felt my world crumble the way it did on that day.

Its amazing how the fates look at your plans and just screw them all up cause they have something different in store. I can only surmise that she had fulfilled her tasks on this plane and she was called back to the big guy to sit by his side and watch how I handle this trauma, the kids and the rest of our lives.

It’s amazing how resilient the kids are and how much their innocence can give you strength to persevere through the darkest days, I’m am not silly enough to think that after 4 months my or the kids process is anywhere near done we aren’t even close, what you will se though is the mask I wear daily to get me through, you will see our kids doing what they do best but with more trepidation and caution.

4 months on and its incredible, even with all the kind words and gestures there is still that feeling of loneliness and being isolated. the nights when the kids are in their beds and you know you have 3-5 hours before you go to bed yourself, you try to keep yourself busy in order to keep the demons in the mind at bay, some nights its easier and other nights it is very difficult, but once you let the in they are not leaving, and so for me these demons are not welcome I have to much to get done and I have two small people that need their daddy to be the best version of himself for their benefit.

Finally I would like to thank the NHS palliative care team and the end of life team for all the work the put in with Creina whilst she was at home with us.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to either send sweet treats or savoury platters, also the sheer volume of gifts was incredible, it was clear from the out pouring that she was very well thought of, and I couldn’t be more proud to be able to call her my wife.

Lastly every single person that contributed to the GoFundMe page. what you guys have done for my family has been nothing short of miraculous, we were only hoping to cover funeral costs, but you all did so much more than that, you provided a better start for the boys when they get older and for that I am forever indebted to you all.

sorry for the length of my story but thank you for sticking with it to the end, Creina was the talented writer, I just do it to vent.

Until next time.

Saying Goodbye!!

Today (07/08/2018) has to be one of the most emotionally draining days I have experienced, and as I write this I still can’t quite comprehend what has happened.

Over the weekend my baby girl Bonnie (a dog) developed breathing difficulties and upon speaking to vets found it could be heart disease, now Bonnie dog was no young pup, she was nearly 15, and for a Cocker Spaniel that a good run, but it doesn’t make today any easier.

See she had been struggling to sleep and was breathless, she had gone off her food which wasn’t like her at all. she struggled to manage the stairs and had a glazed look on her face at times, so we knew something was wrong, we just didn’t realise how fast things could deteriorate, we made the decision to not have her in pain and when her quality of life was being affected then we would do what is best for her. Bonnie 1

So after she had collapsed this morning, we felt it was time as did she by the looks of her, so the call was made to the vets to do the ‘thing’, turns out she had other plans, as I carried her to the car things really went south, I held her in her bed as tight and as close as I could so she knew she wasn’t alone, and in the moments it took my wife to remove the car seats for the car I could feel my beautiful little girl take her final breaths, It was the most horrible thing I have ever been a party to, that moment her body went limp, breathing stopped and eyes never opened again, the one solace I took was that she was no longer in pain and had left being held and not on a cold clinical table, but it doesn’t stop from hurting.

Who knew a PET would hold such a special place in your heart! but bonnie had gone from being my PET to being MY LITTLE GIRL! a member of my family that I am never going to see again, as I write this I feel the tears stream down my face still not accepting the truth that she is gone forever. never again will I be getting Bonnie cuddles, never again will I have those big beautiful brown eyes staring at me for food, for walks, for treats, what I do have though are the memories she has left us with and the knowledge that she was loved by everyone that met her even my two young boys are missing her, telling them was super hard as they don’t know a life with out her.

but as life goes on her memory will remain and that space she took in my life . . . in my heart will forever belong to Bonnie dog.

DADDY LOVES YOU BABY GIRL!!! HAVE FUN WITH ROSIE

Bonnie 2

Cabin Fever sets in

8 days have passed since i had my surgery to remove my Haglunds from my right heel, this should ease the pressure on my Achilles tendon but has meant that i have been stuck in my house on my bed, wondering what i could actually do.

haglunds-deformity-01

The above picture is a generic picture of what Haglunds deformity is, now the fact ive had this growing since 2010 and been coping with the pain that comes from this is something else, but it was time to say bye-bye to the nasty growth. The deformity happens due to footwear being too rigid, and impact through the feet, and because the spur rubs on the Achilles, it causes inflammation and pain.

so for the last 8 days since returning from hospital, I’ve been confined to my bed with a cocktail of prescription drugs to manage the pain during the healing process in the afflicted area. now for someone whose work involves being outdoors and active for the majority of the day, this was very difficult, there’s only so much Netflix/prime and internet someone can handle.

At the moment I’m looking at many different ways to keep my mind active, from reading books and articles, to doing what i can for work, to looking at free education courses online.

over the coming days/ weeks/ months hopefully I will be able to keep my sanity and keep that of the wife as she has been a star and dealt with everything in the house.

until next time.

WHHHHHOOOOO ARE YOU?!

This is a question I have been asking my self all week;

Who are you?

What makes you …you?

What could make a better you?

How are you going to be a better you?

I am a father, a husband, a son, an entrepreneur/ business owner, a friend, a dreamer.

I still can’t put my finger on what makes me . . . me, although I keep coming back to ‘your experiences make you ,you’, what I can say is that my wife, my kids and my friends and family make me who I am.

In the last week, since the ‘man in the mirror’ post, I’ve felt the need for a mental change, personally I’m trying to get up early and get a workout in, if the kids get up at that time, they come through and sit on the couch watching the effort I’m putting in, in order to get in better shape to be able to run around with them on holidays and up the park in the better weather.

From a Business stand point, over christmas there was a lot we did to go and give people prices for work, and I realised, some people want something for nothing, but to get quality you need to pay a little extra, I refuse to put my name to a half assed piece of work, I was lazy and unmotivated through out university, but that is changing, No longer am I gonna waste energy on negative people and negative emotions/thoughts, I wanna grow my business as this will help my family out in the long run, so we have meetings, one to ones, and partnerships that will help everyone out, aswell as diversification plans afoot.

Negativity can only drag you down, only dictators prosper from negativity. a positive outlook and few new plans to research and see if they are workable for myself.

learn to say yes a little more.

As JAY-Z said ‘ ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF’ I am a loving Father a devoted husband, and Keen Businessman who is trying to make his and his family’s dreams come true, and this will allow me to spend more time with my friends.

MAN IN THE MIRROR

Michael Jackson said it best, ‘IM STARTING WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR, IM ASKING HIM TO CHANGE HIS WAYS’. ‘ IF YOU WANNA MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE YOU GOTTA CHANGE YOUR WAYS.

So as the new year rolled in, like everyone, the big thing to do is go on some diet or hit the gym hard then give up after 5 or 6 weeks and head right back to somewhere further away from square one than when you started. This has happened to me a few times, joined a gym 6 years ago have been 9 times since joining, cancelled that, tried Herbalife … got hungry, weight watchers . . . wanted to food, joined slimming world . . . lost 2.5 stone in 3 month, then left after a change in the person that led the session.

What I’m getting at is, we all need that thing, that goal, that motivation, that desire and drive to make a change, but what we don’t realise we need is the support, regardless who you are, we all need support, pro athletes have the support of physios, nutritionists, trainers, coaches, etc, but for those of us mere mortals there is little or no support or we feel we can go it alone, never go it alone (it’s easier to give up) be accountable to some one/ group, you deserve it to yourself.

My moment came when down at my parents I found a picture of myself from when i was maybe 16/17 years old, and I felt like I was in my prime, unstoppable, and from the picture I was doing well for myself, tanned, athletic, playing basketball 5/6 time a week, never at home during the summer, confidence was high, I could wear whatever i wanted and not feel self-conscious.

pre

Fast forward 16 years, poor life choices, an insatiable appetite, long-term relationships, sports injuries, and we have this behemoth,

21 stone (300 lbs) of sheer unadulterated vulgarity (opinions of self), take aways, late nights beers, and not forgetting the eating you children’s meals and then your own.

My shock came on New Years Day when I stepped on the scales, I once vowed never to get like this but lone behold I have let myself down and just be come lazy and ashamed of myself, I have let my self down.

I owe it to my wife, my kids, my health, my joints and myself to make some changes and do something about this.

Now I have this athlete bravado thing where I still think I look awesome and I’m the mutts nuts, truth is I’m the polar opposite, I have self-doubt, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, this is only something recent that has come about in my mindset, and because of this, I choose not to step into a gym until I’M ready. So I recently purchased the BeachBody on Demand catalogue, this gives me programs such as P90X, Insanity, Shift shop, etc. This will hopefully allow me to get a decent sweat on and shift some pounds of weight from my knees and other joints.

Since the turn of the year ive been getting up at 5am, or close to it and following the 21day yoga retreat program, I was more than happy to do this on my own in the early hours of the morning, but each morning so far ive had two little spectators, my boys, now they say kids are like sponges, taking on board anything and everything that you do, so if they are watching me at 5 am then I hope they are taking something on board, turns out I need to learn from them.

Oscar doing his best downward dog.

ossy yoga

so this is the drive and motivation I need,

I can’t disappoint my kids, they need me here for as long as possible, I’ve millions of memories more to make with them, we have so much fun to have running around the park playing all sorts of games where they tell me their tired, not the other way around, they shouldnt suffer for my poor choices in the past.

I OWE IT TO THEM.

First blog post

2017 was a bit of a bummer year.

The year began with all the vim an vigour of any other year, unfortunately come February I was being made redundant, this came with all the trimmings, fear, anxiety, dread, but then I sat with my wife and took stock of what had happened, she really got me that day, making me realise that i dont need to make money for other people when i could parttner with my dad to begin our joint venture in establishing our own roofing firm, this turned out to be one of the best decisions and opporrtunities we could have come across because what lay around the corner would rock our very young marriage to the core, and with two young boys to look after we would need to find a whole new level of team work.

Around about April time my Wife was diagnosed with not ONE but TWO different cancers, having never dealt personally with cancer in my close family Iwas unaware of how i would deal with the whole prognosis. First it was Skin Cancer from a mole that wouldn’t heal, this was removed via a biopsy with has left her with what appears to be a shark bite on her calf, a PET scan was done and it was found in the lymph nodes, meaning we had stage 3B Hodgkins Lymphoma. treatment would take 6 months with 12 chemotherapy sessions, where she would be drip fed a cocktail of drugs to help battle the disease. thankfully we got the all clear after the second cycle (4 treatments) and so now we are in recovery mode to help her get as healthy as possible.

I went to the Hague in the Netherlands to participate in a Flag American football tournament in aid of breast cancer. this tournament was a real eye opener to the level of play needed and level of fitness needed to participate in these tournaments at this level and to succeed, i took an injury in the second to final game for my team which meant i would be visitiong the doctor when i returned home, this turned out to be a good thing, i believed my sore feet after sports was down to shearing of the feet, turns out its a case of Haglunds Deformity, where the heel grows a shelf and puts pressure on the achilles tendon. this is being operated on in late january early february time, with a three month recovery scheduled.

The idea of being off my feet for three months is terrifying for me as i find it super easy to put on weight, and so to combat this i began doing yoga at 5am and have been making more sensible choices to what i eat and drink, hopefully this helps with the recovery as i wont be carrying as much weight and i wil be more supple to help with blood flow to the operated areas. this is one of the reasons for starting this blog, keep my sanity and normalise what is going on in my body.

Any way, i know this was very jumpy and had no real flow, but i will be aiming to do one a week even using this for work related chats. BRD Roofing services on facebook

please leave a comment, good or bad, everything is helpful.

Ross

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